message to the media

Hi, media! Thanks for entertaining me and what not, but I have a little bone to pick with you right now. Just so you know, you don’t have to tell me how to get a man. Also, you don’t have to tell me how to change so a man will want me. And you really don’t have to tell me that I should have minimal sexual experiences so I won’t seem like a slut to any potential boyfriends or even husbands. Because, actually, I don’t want one. If you can believe it, a woman can enjoy life without the security blanket of a man by her side. I actually tend to walk down the street with no one holding my hand, with pride. I don’t really need a relationship to define me as a successful person. I know I am. And (I know, I know, it’s crazy) I’m not even lonely! I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and amazing co-workers. I have my own pursuits in my career, social life, and plans to make a difference in the world. Potential boyfriends would so be in the way of what I want. “Hey, I’m moving to D.C. after my certification. Oh, you want to stay in PA? Good for you, and good for me that I don’t have to consider your plans when making mine.” I know what will make me happy, and I love not having to worry about a guy’s plans getting in the way of that! Maybe once my life is all set up I will consider letting a man in, but for now, I’m quite content on my own. And guess what? I still have sex! And I don’t feel bad about it. Who knew! I enjoy every aspect of my life without worrying about what some nameless, faceless future partner will think.  And because of that, I really get to live the life I want. I am not ashamed of anything I do, and I have a blast. I never had as much fun in that 3 and a half year relationship that I thought would fulfill me as I do now. So, please, if you could focus on some other female stereotype that I actually fit, like a love of shoes, it would be much appreciated!

 

❤ Me

 

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broken

I’ve been so miserable lately because I feel like.. nothing. That makes no sense lol. But since my ex-boyfriend and the assault situation, I’ve been in a downward spiral where I’ve just given up. I can’t seem to stop myself. I feel like my ex-boyfriend threw me away, someone else used me, someone else tried to, and the other guys I’ve been with did too, and it’s just been one thing after another that makes me feel like “what’s the point?” I don’t feel anything during sex anymore, the only thing I feel is guilty when other people know and talk about it.  And I have never seen anyone actually stay together happily, and I have only been having experiences that make me feel like all guys are assholes and there is no such thing as a happy relationship. Romantic love seems like such a joke. So it’s hard to work toward that instead of throwing myself away when I don’t see a point, you know?

And at this point, it feels like it’s too late and I already am a whore, always will be, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Like no one will actually want me or respect me because I don’t respect myself anymore. I know I shouldn’t give up, but I really don’t feel like I have the energy to try.
I am not me anymore, I don’t know who I am, but I hate it.

talking to myself

Dear Me,

You are about to go back to school.  This involves leaving the safe little cocoon of home, where there are no ragers, no co-ed sleepovers, where temptation is creepily lurking, waiting for you to get to the point where you think saying yes to everything = freedom.

Here are a few things I want you to remember:

  1. You tried the casual hook-up thing.
    And you felt really poopy the next day.  Like, really poopy.  You cried and called your mom and had to do that thing where you clean and organize everything because it eases your anxiety.  Oh, and it happened on your friend’s futon. That was so rude.  And selfish. You hate being rude.  And selfish.  That’s what college hook-ups with guys you just meet are like, unless you want to be unsafe and bring them back to your place or theirs, completely alone.  Definitely a lose/lose situation.
  2. You were too drunk to really give yourself a choice.
    Be safe and take control, okay?  You respect people that set goals and boundaries for themselves and stick to them.  Do the same for yourself.  Don’t let others make your choices for you.  Stick to the new alcohol limit you set.  Stick to the rule of no one-night stands.  Don’t feel like someone still has control over you just because you say ‘no’ to things.  Who set these limits? You did.  Because they will make you happy.  You’re saying ‘no’ for yourself, not to please anyone else.
  3. It takes 28 days to break a habit.
    For the first month of school, be especially aware of the choices you make.  Make conscious decisions before acting.  You weren’t in this habit before.  Then the night with a certain someone happened without you really having a say in it because you were drunk.  That began the habit, which you now realize, so break it.

Best Wishes,
You

little thoughts

Isn’t it crazy how you can have a crazy animal attraction for someone at one point, and then when it’s over, you can find them completely unappealing?

I love the shallow part of relationships like that.. the sexual attraction.  The part that is so easy to get rid of, and doesn’t rip apart your poor little insides.

Just a random musing.

P.S. This maybe makes me look like I’m a little, I don’t know, scared of real relationships?  And I am.  For now, I am dipping my pinky toe in the shallow end (the realllly shallow end, like the top step of the stairs leading into the shallow end) until I find a reason strong enough to pull me in deep.

bittersweet

Family means a lot to me.  Duh, it does to a lot of people, but I just want to make sure you know that so you understand why the following situation was so emotional.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s grandmother the other day.  I haven’t seen her in almost a year, and she was like my own grandmother to me.  I have only one of my grandparents left, and I grew very close to this woman in the almost 4 years I was with her grandson.  She and her husband were so kind and inviting, and their family is very big and very close and I loved feeling like I was a part of it.  It was honestly one of the best parts of that relationship.

And her kindness extended to this situation, which made me so happy.  She got very serious and said  “I’m very disappointed in him for what happened, very disappointed, and I just wanted you to know that.”  And even better.. “You look so good, such a pretty girl, I’ll have to tell him that…”

Thank you, Mom-Mom.  I try.

The bitter part of this exchange, however, was the reminder of my ex.  And the reminder that I am no longer a part of this wonderful family.  I actually had to work very hard to hold back tears while talking with her, and once she was gone, I have to admit that I did cry.  I cried over my loss, because that’s how it feels.  I had a whole bunch of people added to my “family” who I could care about and who cared about me, and I lost it.

But at least I know now… Mom-Mom was on my team. And that’s something sweet to hold onto.

help

Let me preface this entry by saying that I love the show Skins.  For those who don’t know, it’s like a British Degrassi.  Except Degrassi sucks, and this show is awesome.  But I have one problem with it – the way it portrays members of the mental health profession.  I know it’s basically a teenage soap opera, and the drama is totally necessary, but psychologists and psychiatrists are not experimenting on people with weirdo new techniques or giving out drugs without any counseling.

I bring this up because I happen to be seeing a psychologist right now.  I saw her 2 years ago when I was dealing with a relatively major depressive episode (clinically speaking – clearly I have some personal experience with this stuff, plus it’s a lot of what I study at school).  And now I’m seeing her again because of how down I’ve been feeling lately and because, to be blunt, I was recently sexually assaulted.

Have you ever tried to talk about an issue like that with your best friend? Or your mom?  (If you’ve ever unfortunately experienced something similar).  It doesn’t really help.  My friends are young and either don’t have the experience to understand or are jaded by their own experience, and their comfort is… well, not that comforting.  I’ve even had people try to make jokes to ease the mood.  And my mom got really upset, understandably.  It was far too emotionally difficult for her to hear, which made me shift my focus onto her feelings, rather than making myself feel better about what happened.

Anyway, this psychologist has given me an outlet that no one else can.  She’s objective and trained to be a good listener and give good advice.  Since seeing her again, just once so far, my perspective has totally shifted and I am getting back into that happiness I was basking in at the beginning of the summer.  I can’t even explain how helpful it is to have someone who is not tangled in the experiences that are affecting me be there to talk to.  I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or worry that their advice/opinion will be biased.

The point of my rambling is this: I believe in the mental health field.  There are definitely some quacks out there, because there are bad apples in all professions, but their behavior should not tarnish the reputation of people who can truly help you.  I’m posting this for a couple of reasons.  One, I just want to kind of shout to the (internet) world that I am back to my old happy self and I want to give credit where credit is due.  Two, and more importantly, I want to encourage anyone who has experienced what I went through to seek out all the help they can get.  Some people in your life do not understand the trauma of sexual assault or rape.  They just don’t.  If you’re struggling in anyway like I was,  find someone who does understand.

You deserve to believe that it wasn’t your fault and that you can move on.  I deserve it, and you deserve it.

movin’ on (or trying to?)

Hi, I’m an idiot.

That whole thing about my best friend screwing me over… well, here’s the situation: That guy that I had feelings for? And decided to tell him?  And bang, bang, he shot me down?  Well, we hung out for the first time since I professed my love and what not, and my best friend was there and we (she and I) talked at length about how uncomfortable and upset I was with the situation. And then we all went to a party and they were all over each other.

But things have changed since then.  I’m getting over it, and she and I are still friends because:

  1. A lot of alcohol was involved.
  2. We’ve been friends for years.  Since like 3rd grade, people.
  3. We have another year to live together.
  4. She actually hooked up with him before I liked him, like 2 years ago, so the situation was more complicated than I really gave her credit for.
  5. Most importantly, she apologized.

But I’m not friends with him anymore.  Because that’s kind of a jerk move, right?  We’ve become, I think, pretty good friends over the summer, and then I tell him I have feelings for him, and he ends up all over my best friend and roommate in front of me the next time we hang out.  Not exactly something a friend who is supposed to care about your feelings does, right?  I don’t think so.

THE PROBLEM IS, when I say “I’m not friends with him anymore”, I mean “I don’t want to be friends with him anymore, but he still calls me to hang out and I don’t have to balls to say ‘no, you’re a bad friend and I hate you‘ even though that’s how I feel, and we end up still hanging out, and he therefore believes we are still friends”.  I hate ever coming across as mean, so I end up kind of a doormat (except with my best friend, and people who I know really well/know me really well, who I can trust to handle me being a real person with feelings and stuff).

So do I tell him, the next time he asks to hang out, that he hurt my feelings and I don’t really want to be friends anymore (which sounds so 1st grade.. “you’re not my friend anymore”) or do I just let it go until the end of the summer when I won’t have to see him anymore?  Because I don’t know if I can handle bottling in my feelings for even another 2 months, for I am very sensitive and emotional, as anyone who reads any of this blog can tell.

P.S. On the plus side, the feelings for him have kind of evaporated. I find inconsideration and selfishness (aka being an jerk) to be a turnoff.  The same thing happened with my ex-boyfriend: totally screwed me over, feelings gone instantly. It’s a nice little push to move on.  And ANOTHER plus: a totally awesome weekend with friends from school is coming up.  Reunion! (And, not gonna lie, we’ll be partying our little hinies off for 3 nights straight).  That ought to be a wonderful distraction (and/or a wonderful opportunity for liquid courage to help me tell this “friend” that I don’t think he was a very good friend).