the end

Well, my sort-of boyfriend is now my not-at-all boyfriend.

I decided a casual relationship does not work for me.  At all. I guess, as they said on Grey’s Anatomy this week, “my heart lives in my vagina”.

So, here I am alone.  Again.  Part of me is excited to finally, after 4 years, depend on myself and no one else to make me happy.  The other part of me kind of wants to walk into traffic (wants to, but won’t).

I am at the end of a fun distraction, and now have to deal with the overwhelming emotions I have about being single.  But, hopefully, it is also the end of my dependence on guys. Hopefully, the lack of affection and genuine caring in this relationship (and another incident with a guy that we won’t discuss) will have jaded me enough to keep me away from guys for a while.

I hope that one day I can have the loving and committed relationship I crave.  But I think this is God’s (or fate, or whatever you believe in) way of saying that I have some work to do on myself first.  I think it could be a nightmare, but a necessary one that will bring me to a better place.

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