settling

I was the one who ended it. It was what was best for me.

But I am tempted all the time to pick right back up where we left off.  These thoughts run through my head all the time.

  • “Oh, but he’s so cute and considerate.”
  • “We had so much fun.”
  • “I would have someone to sleep next to.”
  • Maybe he will change his mind and want to be serious.”

I seem to forget these facts, though…

  • He does not have feelings for me like I have for him, even if it’s just because he doesn’t want to because he’s leaving.
  • He’s graduating, so it will end. Soon.
  • And when it does, I will feel even more horrible about myself than I do now.
  • He was not perfect for me anyway. I surely idealized him because he had the qualities I so desperately wished my ex-boyfriend had.
  • I think I also idealized him because of those damn gorgeous eyes. They make everything else about him seem perfect.

But I am not settling anymore.  Because that’s what it would be.  Another 2 months of nothing more than hanging out and hooking up.  Behavior that I would regret. Behavior that would lead to me feeling horrible about myself.

I need to remember that what I’m going through now, instead of distracting myself with a casual relationship, will lead me to the relationship that I want and deserve.  Finding my independence, standing on my own two feet, figuring out exactly what I want. These things are much more important than a temporary relief from my sadness with a boy who doesn’t even love me, not even close.

P.S. Even Lady Gaga is single and celibate right now. If she can do it…

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