today is the first day of the rest of your life.

I need to start over, and focus on the future.  Because if I focus on the past, I will just cry.

I made basically the same mistake I was talking about earlier, AGAIN.  I seriously hate myself.  Why would I do something that I know would hurt me way more than it would do anything good for me?  In the moment, I seriously have no recollection of these horrible feelings.  They don’t come up in my thoughts at all.  This is very not good, because I would like my decisions to possiblyyyy be shaped by their potential consequences.  If only I had that kind of reasoning.

Or, if only I would stop drinking so much when I go out.

Do you judge me? I wonder every second of every day now who will judge me for what I’ve done.  I certainly do.  My self-esteem has basically plummeted.  And again, it’s my own fault.  But it leads me to fear what my parents would think of me, other family members, my friends, especially guy friends, anyone I may potentially end up dating or even marrying.  Would someone marry me now?  Would someone be able to accept what I’ve done to myself and with someone else?  More than one someone else.  I honestly don’t know.

I’m in a bad cycle, and I need to start taking responsibility for myself, because it’s no one else’s job to protect me.  But I’m scared I won’t.  I’ve been telling myself the same thing for a while now, and I’m still not doing what I need to do for myself.  What will it take?  This feels like rock bottom to me, but I guess it’s not enough to wake me up.

Please, God, give me strength to do what’s best for me.  And to forgive myself.

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