living life for ME

This is my challenge. How do I live my life in a way that makes me happy, even if it’s incompatible with what I think will make others happy?

I like being single.  I’m having fun.  The further I get away from the relationship I was in, the more I realize what a source of stress it was for me.  I cried so much in that relationship.  Out of sadness, frustration, anxiety, whatever negative emotion you can think of. I even hurt myself to deal with the incredible stress from the constant fights that came out of our incompatibility.  Life now? It’s fun and generally stress-free!  I still have anxiety issues sometimes, but they’re at about… 1/8 of what they were.

And I always hated the constant physical affection.  Once in a while, it’s sweet and special, but it was always always always.  I like my physical space (stay out of my bubble, please!).  And now that I’m single, I have that space!  And if a guy ever gets too close to me, I have no qualms with saying “okay, back off.” I’m not constantly worrying about hurting his feelings or worrying about what it’ll say about the relationship.

And most importantly, I can be free to act however I want without hurting anyone else.  My actions solely affect me (to an extent, of course) and I love it.  If I want to flirt with so and so, or stay out all night without calling anyone to talk about their day, no one is hurt.  The freedom is exhilarating.

But here is the issue: Part of me wants to be in a relationship solely because I’m afraid of how others will see me if I’m a single girl.  Do they think something is wrong with me? That I can’t get or keep a guy?  I tend so much to worry what people think of me, and it makes me feel bad about myself.  And here’s the best part: No one has ever said anything bad about me or anyone I know for being single.  I basically made this conception up.  Who knows were I got it from, but it sticks with me and comes up from time to time.

Either way, this is NOT a good enough reason to be with someone!  If someone compatible and wonderful enough comes along and sweeps me off my feet, and they’re worth it to me to give up single life, then hooray!  Until then, I have to ignore what other people think (aka what I think they think) and just live my life the way that makes me happiest.

P.S. I doubt that person is coming along toooo soon. I am in college. Males in my life are generally not men, they are guys.  They have this deceivingly masculine, adult, and manly body (very deceiving! and tempting…), but they have the emotional capacity and responsibility of a 5th grader.  I think I’ll let them grow up a little bit before I settle for one.  It’s like leaving cookies in the oven a little longer.  I know I’ll want one of them eventually, but not just yet, they’re a little too soft and might make me sick at this point.

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