being selfish

Right now, it is 3 a.m.  Sleep is apparently not an option.  I’ve spent the past 2 hours thinking and thinking about things I don’t really want to think about.  You know the feeling?  It’s totally the worst.

I am starting to sink back into my old ways for sure.  My mind is filled with thoughts of guys.  One that wants to be with me in a way that I am not ready for.  One that doesn’t want me, but I have feelings for.  Or at least sexual attraction/tension for?  And one that I hate, but had a 3 and a half year relationship with that will likely affect me until the day I die (by the way, I clearly love being melodramatic).

But most thoughts are for this guy who wants to be with me.  He is very much in my mind because he is the one most likely to be affected by these thoughts and the resulting actions.  He is a great person.  Attractive, funny, incredibly sweet.  But he has said (wonderful!) things about/to me that make me pretty sure that he wants something more serious than I can give him right now. Despite this, I have still gone on a couple of dates with him. Like twice a week.  But also told him I wanted to take things slow due to my last (horrible) relationship.  I must be coming across as very erratic (that word has been used to describe me before, by the way.  It unfortunately suits me far too often).

Is it fair to spend time with him like this when I am like 90% sure that a relationship is the very last thing I want right now?  All I really can handle from guys right now is some flirting and hanging out.  You know, exciting sexual tension and maybe hooking up, but no emotional mess and stress.  That sounds kind of selfish, I know.  Love ’em, and leave ’em.  But I missed out on being selfish for 3 and a half years.  I am still young and I was very young then, and I want to enjoy this time where being selfish is kind of allowed and even expected before I have to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness but my own.

And so, based on all of this thought, do I talk to him AGAIN about this? Be even clearer that actually, no, I don’t want to ‘take it slow”, I want to have things STAY at the “hanging out” stage.  And see other people if the opportunity arises.  What is a tactful way to say that? Or do I just break it off completely and stop being in his life when I am clearly only a destructive force for any guy right now?

I think I need to have this conversation with my mom. And my best friend.  But they are not awake right now, so strangers on the internet are the next best thing, right?


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