organizing my thoughts

Okay, that extreme happiness and serenity discussed in a previous post? I am dying to get that back.  Men add drama to everything, at least for me.  Those that are “emotionally unavailable” and/or not interested in you are so easy to fall for, while those that want you (and are probably best for you) are so not you’re type.  Maybe my “type” is the problem.  I don’t know the exact words to describe the guys I fall for, but whatever it is, it’s not working out for me.

First of all, the guy I was seeing.. I ended that.  It felt serious very fast, and I didn’t like it.  Second of all, I am falling for someone else. I love loved being single.  First I hated it, then I loved it, now here I am again.  I change my mind far too much.  A relationship is the exact last thing I wanted, but he makes me think otherwise.  Fuck. (please pardon my French, but it is needed here).  I care about him more than anyone else, in a long time.  And I hate it.  My peace of mind is out the window.  My emotions are taking over, and I am too quick to let them consume me.  I don’t know how to block them out.  And I know (like 90% sure) that the feelings aren’t reciprocated, not in that way.  But, then again… I feel that way a lot, and sometimes I’m wrong.  But only sometimes. Dhgjwkdhgajdkga.

Time for lists.  God bless lists:

Telling him how I feel

  • I’m not good at hiding my feelings anyway
  • I prefer honesty (even when it probably isn’t best, though)
  • the 10% possibility that I’m wrong, and he could feel the same way
  • not looking back and regretting not saying anything or wondering what could have happened
  • These are the deepest feelings I’ve had for anyone in a long time, and part of me doesn’t care at all if he doesn’t feel that for  me, I just want him to know.
  • signs that he’s into me (or signs that I’m misreading that actually mean he cares about me as a friend)

NOT telling him how I feel

  • even if he remotely felt the same way, it might come across as too forward and turn him off
  • I don’t think he’s that much of a, for lack of a better word, pussy.  If he felt the same way, he would have done something about it by now.
  • not risking losing his friendship
  • I was wrong in making other impulsive moves that seemed right to me at the time (but is it impulsive if I’m debating it with lists?? Eh? Eh?) (And was I really “wrong” to make them, even if the outcomes weren’t favorable? Would I have regretted not making them?)
  • What if I’m completely misreading my emotions, and this is just an infatuation, and I still am not ready for a relationship?  He has been burned as much as I have by relationships, and pulling out if he actually was interested would hurt him as much as me.
  • He hasn’t been in a relationship in 2 years and literally referred to himself as “emotionally unavailable”

Looking at these lists, the not telling him option seems much more logical.  But I tend to only learn things the hard way…  It’s the only way to really learn something, isn’t it?

(Side note:  This post comes across pretty negative, a lot of complaining.  But a part of me is okay with having these intense feelings again.  Love is a beautiful and wonderful thing that makes us human, along with it being beyond painful. I am blessed to have experiences that enrich my life — and peaceful, totally blissful days can only do so much to shape a person).


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