ouch, my heart

depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed.

Very sad. And a little depressed.

No response yet on my facebook message, and depression is setting in.  Don’t worry, it’s not just because I will not be with this guy.  I think he’s wonderful, but I’m not that pathetic to get so upset just about a guy.  Usually.  It’s much more than that that hurts me on my insides.  It’s more about what it symbolizes —

There are things this boy has said to me that are very sweet, and they remind me of what it was like to have a boy care about me and say sweet things to me and want to be around me.  Even if he doesn’t want to be with me, I know he cares about me.  And it’s brought back the desire to be in a relationship, to have someone be there to make me feel loved and who I can love back.  I was so content with being single for a while, because I didn’t have any reminders that brought back this aching to be in love.  I had enough bad experiences with guys, one after another, so that I was like “okay, forget it, this is so not worth it, being single is way better!”  But now things are different.

I know I’m young and have years to end up with someone, but I don’t like the uncertainty and I don’t like the waiting.  I love my life, but I want the intimacy that it’s lacking.  I know, I know, I’m greedy — I have everything but a relationship, and I just have to have a relationship or I’m not happy.

Maybe I was only fooling myself into thinking I was happy with being single.  I realized something the other day that made me very sad: I haven’t had sex sober since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.  Maybe it’s an empty gesture, just a desperate attempt to fill a void instead of it being some kind of “freedom”.  Maybe sex is never just sex, no matter how bad I want it to be.  Maybe now I wish I could physically be with someone I love again.  It hurts to know that I don’t have that anymore, and to not know for sure if I will ever have it again.

I just don’t want to be alone forever.

(P.S. Like I said, I change my mind a lot —  just a week or so ago I told my mom that I DO want to be alone forever, and I’m going to just get a maid instead of a husband.  I’m a gemini though, so that’s an excuse, right?)

EDIT: actually I lied.  Part of the depression is over this guy.  Just a little.  Goddammit, I hate feelings, why do they have to exist?

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