Archive Page 2

alone

Maybe I just exaggerate in my mind how tragic events in my life are, or maybe, just maybe, the people in my life who mean the most really get a kick out of tearing me down when I least expect it.  First of all: my ex-boyfriend, the most often mentioned example, saying he didn’t love me during the last year of our relationship and then getting a new girlfriend a week after we break up.  Second, there are two other events which involve other people who I don’t want to bring into this blog, so we’ll leave that untouched.  Let’s just say addiction and cheating were involved in one or the other situation.  And now, my best friend who I’ve always been able to count on, kind of showed me that my feelings are pretty low on her list of priorities.  They’re at least below getting attention from guys.

So here I am, with no one left to care.

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something missing

I am a baby.  I get very sad very easily, and when I do, it’s like a weird funk I can’t get out of for days or even weeks.  But then again, a lot of my friends are in the same funk.  We are at an awkward age.  No, we’re not in puberty, but we are in a kind of relationship limbo.  Not alone forever (yet), but young and single and kind of hating it.  Not because we necessarily hate being alone (even though everybody does sometimes, I think), but because we aren’t sure how long this being alone thing is going to last.  If I could know, just know for sure, that in, say, 10 years I’d be happy with a husband and at least one child, I could enjoy today.  But I don’t know that, and I’ll never know for sure until it happens.

Oh, fear of the unknown, you are the worst kind of fear, aren’t you?

Ugh, basically the summary of my current situation: I am feeling sad, alone, and unwanted.  This is a totally pathetic and self-indulgent kind of sadness, isn’t?  I could grow up, get over it, and enjoy being single again, but I seem to prefer wallowing in self pity instead.  The effort to dig myself out feels like much too much, and I have no motivation. None.  Zero. Nada.  Zip.  I know I’d hate me if I read this blog, but I beg of anyone who reads this, please just let me indulge in this sad, whimpering, pitiful state of mind just for another day or so.  It’s so comfortable here.

ouch, my heart

depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed. depressed.

Very sad. And a little depressed.

No response yet on my facebook message, and depression is setting in.  Don’t worry, it’s not just because I will not be with this guy.  I think he’s wonderful, but I’m not that pathetic to get so upset just about a guy.  Usually.  It’s much more than that that hurts me on my insides.  It’s more about what it symbolizes —

There are things this boy has said to me that are very sweet, and they remind me of what it was like to have a boy care about me and say sweet things to me and want to be around me.  Even if he doesn’t want to be with me, I know he cares about me.  And it’s brought back the desire to be in a relationship, to have someone be there to make me feel loved and who I can love back.  I was so content with being single for a while, because I didn’t have any reminders that brought back this aching to be in love.  I had enough bad experiences with guys, one after another, so that I was like “okay, forget it, this is so not worth it, being single is way better!”  But now things are different.

I know I’m young and have years to end up with someone, but I don’t like the uncertainty and I don’t like the waiting.  I love my life, but I want the intimacy that it’s lacking.  I know, I know, I’m greedy — I have everything but a relationship, and I just have to have a relationship or I’m not happy.

Maybe I was only fooling myself into thinking I was happy with being single.  I realized something the other day that made me very sad: I haven’t had sex sober since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend.  Maybe it’s an empty gesture, just a desperate attempt to fill a void instead of it being some kind of “freedom”.  Maybe sex is never just sex, no matter how bad I want it to be.  Maybe now I wish I could physically be with someone I love again.  It hurts to know that I don’t have that anymore, and to not know for sure if I will ever have it again.

I just don’t want to be alone forever.

(P.S. Like I said, I change my mind a lot —  just a week or so ago I told my mom that I DO want to be alone forever, and I’m going to just get a maid instead of a husband.  I’m a gemini though, so that’s an excuse, right?)

EDIT: actually I lied.  Part of the depression is over this guy.  Just a little.  Goddammit, I hate feelings, why do they have to exist?

message sent

Okay. I am sleepless yet again, and I just sent a message.  A message.  A facebook  version of a love letter, if you will (fitting, considering my blog title). Not as romantic as a love letter, but gets the point across that I, like, love him (I swear it was less creepy than that, but you get the gist — I am a female, 21st century version of Mr. Darcy).

This is likely to blow up in my face.  But I have to take the risk because nothing is worse than looking back and wondering if you could have done more.  I have to go for what I want.  Also, I know that I won’t be able to get over my feelings for him without knowing 100% that it is not going to happen.  I know myself well enough to know that.  And never ending, secret feelings/crushes keeping you from being interested in other guys is something I’m pretty sure I let go of in 10th grade and would love to leave there.

organizing my thoughts

Okay, that extreme happiness and serenity discussed in a previous post? I am dying to get that back.  Men add drama to everything, at least for me.  Those that are “emotionally unavailable” and/or not interested in you are so easy to fall for, while those that want you (and are probably best for you) are so not you’re type.  Maybe my “type” is the problem.  I don’t know the exact words to describe the guys I fall for, but whatever it is, it’s not working out for me.

First of all, the guy I was seeing.. I ended that.  It felt serious very fast, and I didn’t like it.  Second of all, I am falling for someone else. I love loved being single.  First I hated it, then I loved it, now here I am again.  I change my mind far too much.  A relationship is the exact last thing I wanted, but he makes me think otherwise.  Fuck. (please pardon my French, but it is needed here).  I care about him more than anyone else, in a long time.  And I hate it.  My peace of mind is out the window.  My emotions are taking over, and I am too quick to let them consume me.  I don’t know how to block them out.  And I know (like 90% sure) that the feelings aren’t reciprocated, not in that way.  But, then again… I feel that way a lot, and sometimes I’m wrong.  But only sometimes. Dhgjwkdhgajdkga.

Time for lists.  God bless lists:

Telling him how I feel

  • I’m not good at hiding my feelings anyway
  • I prefer honesty (even when it probably isn’t best, though)
  • the 10% possibility that I’m wrong, and he could feel the same way
  • not looking back and regretting not saying anything or wondering what could have happened
  • These are the deepest feelings I’ve had for anyone in a long time, and part of me doesn’t care at all if he doesn’t feel that for  me, I just want him to know.
  • signs that he’s into me (or signs that I’m misreading that actually mean he cares about me as a friend)

NOT telling him how I feel

  • even if he remotely felt the same way, it might come across as too forward and turn him off
  • I don’t think he’s that much of a, for lack of a better word, pussy.  If he felt the same way, he would have done something about it by now.
  • not risking losing his friendship
  • I was wrong in making other impulsive moves that seemed right to me at the time (but is it impulsive if I’m debating it with lists?? Eh? Eh?) (And was I really “wrong” to make them, even if the outcomes weren’t favorable? Would I have regretted not making them?)
  • What if I’m completely misreading my emotions, and this is just an infatuation, and I still am not ready for a relationship?  He has been burned as much as I have by relationships, and pulling out if he actually was interested would hurt him as much as me.
  • He hasn’t been in a relationship in 2 years and literally referred to himself as “emotionally unavailable”

Looking at these lists, the not telling him option seems much more logical.  But I tend to only learn things the hard way…  It’s the only way to really learn something, isn’t it?

(Side note:  This post comes across pretty negative, a lot of complaining.  But a part of me is okay with having these intense feelings again.  Love is a beautiful and wonderful thing that makes us human, along with it being beyond painful. I am blessed to have experiences that enrich my life — and peaceful, totally blissful days can only do so much to shape a person).

no sleep and a big F*@# you.

I swear I’m the type of person who tries to see the positive side of things and the good in everybody.  But tonight I just can’t.

My ex-boyfriend kind of destroyed me, ripped me apart, etc. etc. (again, forgive me, melodrama galore).  And he keeps popping up in my life.  I have literally spelled out to him that hearing from him brings me down for days.  That his presence represents nothing but stress and pain for me.  But he keeps going.  Keeps contacting me, trying to be friends, and I am about to lose it.

It is 4am and I am crying.  I’ve been totally single for about 3 months, and I haven’t cried once except when he has decided to reemerge.

This next paragraph is just what I’d like to say to him (but won’t really, because more contact is the last thing I want):

Remember when I said I don’t want to hear from you? And that it actually hurts me to hear from you?  Does that maybe ring a bell? Because if you cared about me at all, even a little, in the 3 and a half years we spent together, you would probably, maybe, respect that and just disappear.  I haven’t known happiness like what I feel now that I’m on my own and stress free in years, and you seem to love to tear that down for me.  Oh, and also, I blame you for my complete inability to trust or be able to form a meaningful emotional relationship with another guy right now.  Yes, it’s my job to overcome that, but you still created the problem, so thanks. And thanks for continually creating more problems now that we’re not even together, not even friends.

Anyway… anybody as cool as me and watch Real Housewives of New Jersey?  If so, maybe this whole “cutting stress out of your life” moment reminds you of Dina and Danielle’s dinner on this week’s episode.

being selfish

Right now, it is 3 a.m.  Sleep is apparently not an option.  I’ve spent the past 2 hours thinking and thinking about things I don’t really want to think about.  You know the feeling?  It’s totally the worst.

I am starting to sink back into my old ways for sure.  My mind is filled with thoughts of guys.  One that wants to be with me in a way that I am not ready for.  One that doesn’t want me, but I have feelings for.  Or at least sexual attraction/tension for?  And one that I hate, but had a 3 and a half year relationship with that will likely affect me until the day I die (by the way, I clearly love being melodramatic).

But most thoughts are for this guy who wants to be with me.  He is very much in my mind because he is the one most likely to be affected by these thoughts and the resulting actions.  He is a great person.  Attractive, funny, incredibly sweet.  But he has said (wonderful!) things about/to me that make me pretty sure that he wants something more serious than I can give him right now. Despite this, I have still gone on a couple of dates with him. Like twice a week.  But also told him I wanted to take things slow due to my last (horrible) relationship.  I must be coming across as very erratic (that word has been used to describe me before, by the way.  It unfortunately suits me far too often).

Is it fair to spend time with him like this when I am like 90% sure that a relationship is the very last thing I want right now?  All I really can handle from guys right now is some flirting and hanging out.  You know, exciting sexual tension and maybe hooking up, but no emotional mess and stress.  That sounds kind of selfish, I know.  Love ’em, and leave ’em.  But I missed out on being selfish for 3 and a half years.  I am still young and I was very young then, and I want to enjoy this time where being selfish is kind of allowed and even expected before I have to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness but my own.

And so, based on all of this thought, do I talk to him AGAIN about this? Be even clearer that actually, no, I don’t want to ‘take it slow”, I want to have things STAY at the “hanging out” stage.  And see other people if the opportunity arises.  What is a tactful way to say that? Or do I just break it off completely and stop being in his life when I am clearly only a destructive force for any guy right now?

I think I need to have this conversation with my mom. And my best friend.  But they are not awake right now, so strangers on the internet are the next best thing, right?