Posts Tagged 'life'

message to the media

Hi, media! Thanks for entertaining me and what not, but I have a little bone to pick with you right now. Just so you know, you don’t have to tell me how to get a man. Also, you don’t have to tell me how to change so a man will want me. And you really don’t have to tell me that I should have minimal sexual experiences so I won’t seem like a slut to any potential boyfriends or even husbands. Because, actually, I don’t want one. If you can believe it, a woman can enjoy life without the security blanket of a man by her side. I actually tend to walk down the street with no one holding my hand, with pride. I don’t really need a relationship to define me as a successful person. I know I am. And (I know, I know, it’s crazy) I’m not even lonely! I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and amazing co-workers. I have my own pursuits in my career, social life, and plans to make a difference in the world. Potential boyfriends would so be in the way of what I want. “Hey, I’m moving to D.C. after my certification. Oh, you want to stay in PA? Good for you, and good for me that I don’t have to consider your plans when making mine.” I know what will make me happy, and I love not having to worry about a guy’s plans getting in the way of that! Maybe once my life is all set up I will consider letting a man in, but for now, I’m quite content on my own. And guess what? I still have sex! And I don’t feel bad about it. Who knew! I enjoy every aspect of my life without worrying about what some nameless, faceless future partner will think.  And because of that, I really get to live the life I want. I am not ashamed of anything I do, and I have a blast. I never had as much fun in that 3 and a half year relationship that I thought would fulfill me as I do now. So, please, if you could focus on some other female stereotype that I actually fit, like a love of shoes, it would be much appreciated!

 

❤ Me

 

bittersweet

Family means a lot to me.  Duh, it does to a lot of people, but I just want to make sure you know that so you understand why the following situation was so emotional.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s grandmother the other day.  I haven’t seen her in almost a year, and she was like my own grandmother to me.  I have only one of my grandparents left, and I grew very close to this woman in the almost 4 years I was with her grandson.  She and her husband were so kind and inviting, and their family is very big and very close and I loved feeling like I was a part of it.  It was honestly one of the best parts of that relationship.

And her kindness extended to this situation, which made me so happy.  She got very serious and said  “I’m very disappointed in him for what happened, very disappointed, and I just wanted you to know that.”  And even better.. “You look so good, such a pretty girl, I’ll have to tell him that…”

Thank you, Mom-Mom.  I try.

The bitter part of this exchange, however, was the reminder of my ex.  And the reminder that I am no longer a part of this wonderful family.  I actually had to work very hard to hold back tears while talking with her, and once she was gone, I have to admit that I did cry.  I cried over my loss, because that’s how it feels.  I had a whole bunch of people added to my “family” who I could care about and who cared about me, and I lost it.

But at least I know now… Mom-Mom was on my team. And that’s something sweet to hold onto.

help

Let me preface this entry by saying that I love the show Skins.  For those who don’t know, it’s like a British Degrassi.  Except Degrassi sucks, and this show is awesome.  But I have one problem with it – the way it portrays members of the mental health profession.  I know it’s basically a teenage soap opera, and the drama is totally necessary, but psychologists and psychiatrists are not experimenting on people with weirdo new techniques or giving out drugs without any counseling.

I bring this up because I happen to be seeing a psychologist right now.  I saw her 2 years ago when I was dealing with a relatively major depressive episode (clinically speaking – clearly I have some personal experience with this stuff, plus it’s a lot of what I study at school).  And now I’m seeing her again because of how down I’ve been feeling lately and because, to be blunt, I was recently sexually assaulted.

Have you ever tried to talk about an issue like that with your best friend? Or your mom?  (If you’ve ever unfortunately experienced something similar).  It doesn’t really help.  My friends are young and either don’t have the experience to understand or are jaded by their own experience, and their comfort is… well, not that comforting.  I’ve even had people try to make jokes to ease the mood.  And my mom got really upset, understandably.  It was far too emotionally difficult for her to hear, which made me shift my focus onto her feelings, rather than making myself feel better about what happened.

Anyway, this psychologist has given me an outlet that no one else can.  She’s objective and trained to be a good listener and give good advice.  Since seeing her again, just once so far, my perspective has totally shifted and I am getting back into that happiness I was basking in at the beginning of the summer.  I can’t even explain how helpful it is to have someone who is not tangled in the experiences that are affecting me be there to talk to.  I don’t have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or worry that their advice/opinion will be biased.

The point of my rambling is this: I believe in the mental health field.  There are definitely some quacks out there, because there are bad apples in all professions, but their behavior should not tarnish the reputation of people who can truly help you.  I’m posting this for a couple of reasons.  One, I just want to kind of shout to the (internet) world that I am back to my old happy self and I want to give credit where credit is due.  Two, and more importantly, I want to encourage anyone who has experienced what I went through to seek out all the help they can get.  Some people in your life do not understand the trauma of sexual assault or rape.  They just don’t.  If you’re struggling in anyway like I was,  find someone who does understand.

You deserve to believe that it wasn’t your fault and that you can move on.  I deserve it, and you deserve it.

movin’ on (or trying to?)

Hi, I’m an idiot.

That whole thing about my best friend screwing me over… well, here’s the situation: That guy that I had feelings for? And decided to tell him?  And bang, bang, he shot me down?  Well, we hung out for the first time since I professed my love and what not, and my best friend was there and we (she and I) talked at length about how uncomfortable and upset I was with the situation. And then we all went to a party and they were all over each other.

But things have changed since then.  I’m getting over it, and she and I are still friends because:

  1. A lot of alcohol was involved.
  2. We’ve been friends for years.  Since like 3rd grade, people.
  3. We have another year to live together.
  4. She actually hooked up with him before I liked him, like 2 years ago, so the situation was more complicated than I really gave her credit for.
  5. Most importantly, she apologized.

But I’m not friends with him anymore.  Because that’s kind of a jerk move, right?  We’ve become, I think, pretty good friends over the summer, and then I tell him I have feelings for him, and he ends up all over my best friend and roommate in front of me the next time we hang out.  Not exactly something a friend who is supposed to care about your feelings does, right?  I don’t think so.

THE PROBLEM IS, when I say “I’m not friends with him anymore”, I mean “I don’t want to be friends with him anymore, but he still calls me to hang out and I don’t have to balls to say ‘no, you’re a bad friend and I hate you‘ even though that’s how I feel, and we end up still hanging out, and he therefore believes we are still friends”.  I hate ever coming across as mean, so I end up kind of a doormat (except with my best friend, and people who I know really well/know me really well, who I can trust to handle me being a real person with feelings and stuff).

So do I tell him, the next time he asks to hang out, that he hurt my feelings and I don’t really want to be friends anymore (which sounds so 1st grade.. “you’re not my friend anymore”) or do I just let it go until the end of the summer when I won’t have to see him anymore?  Because I don’t know if I can handle bottling in my feelings for even another 2 months, for I am very sensitive and emotional, as anyone who reads any of this blog can tell.

P.S. On the plus side, the feelings for him have kind of evaporated. I find inconsideration and selfishness (aka being an jerk) to be a turnoff.  The same thing happened with my ex-boyfriend: totally screwed me over, feelings gone instantly. It’s a nice little push to move on.  And ANOTHER plus: a totally awesome weekend with friends from school is coming up.  Reunion! (And, not gonna lie, we’ll be partying our little hinies off for 3 nights straight).  That ought to be a wonderful distraction (and/or a wonderful opportunity for liquid courage to help me tell this “friend” that I don’t think he was a very good friend).

something missing

I am a baby.  I get very sad very easily, and when I do, it’s like a weird funk I can’t get out of for days or even weeks.  But then again, a lot of my friends are in the same funk.  We are at an awkward age.  No, we’re not in puberty, but we are in a kind of relationship limbo.  Not alone forever (yet), but young and single and kind of hating it.  Not because we necessarily hate being alone (even though everybody does sometimes, I think), but because we aren’t sure how long this being alone thing is going to last.  If I could know, just know for sure, that in, say, 10 years I’d be happy with a husband and at least one child, I could enjoy today.  But I don’t know that, and I’ll never know for sure until it happens.

Oh, fear of the unknown, you are the worst kind of fear, aren’t you?

Ugh, basically the summary of my current situation: I am feeling sad, alone, and unwanted.  This is a totally pathetic and self-indulgent kind of sadness, isn’t?  I could grow up, get over it, and enjoy being single again, but I seem to prefer wallowing in self pity instead.  The effort to dig myself out feels like much too much, and I have no motivation. None.  Zero. Nada.  Zip.  I know I’d hate me if I read this blog, but I beg of anyone who reads this, please just let me indulge in this sad, whimpering, pitiful state of mind just for another day or so.  It’s so comfortable here.

organizing my thoughts

Okay, that extreme happiness and serenity discussed in a previous post? I am dying to get that back.  Men add drama to everything, at least for me.  Those that are “emotionally unavailable” and/or not interested in you are so easy to fall for, while those that want you (and are probably best for you) are so not you’re type.  Maybe my “type” is the problem.  I don’t know the exact words to describe the guys I fall for, but whatever it is, it’s not working out for me.

First of all, the guy I was seeing.. I ended that.  It felt serious very fast, and I didn’t like it.  Second of all, I am falling for someone else. I love loved being single.  First I hated it, then I loved it, now here I am again.  I change my mind far too much.  A relationship is the exact last thing I wanted, but he makes me think otherwise.  Fuck. (please pardon my French, but it is needed here).  I care about him more than anyone else, in a long time.  And I hate it.  My peace of mind is out the window.  My emotions are taking over, and I am too quick to let them consume me.  I don’t know how to block them out.  And I know (like 90% sure) that the feelings aren’t reciprocated, not in that way.  But, then again… I feel that way a lot, and sometimes I’m wrong.  But only sometimes. Dhgjwkdhgajdkga.

Time for lists.  God bless lists:

Telling him how I feel

  • I’m not good at hiding my feelings anyway
  • I prefer honesty (even when it probably isn’t best, though)
  • the 10% possibility that I’m wrong, and he could feel the same way
  • not looking back and regretting not saying anything or wondering what could have happened
  • These are the deepest feelings I’ve had for anyone in a long time, and part of me doesn’t care at all if he doesn’t feel that for  me, I just want him to know.
  • signs that he’s into me (or signs that I’m misreading that actually mean he cares about me as a friend)

NOT telling him how I feel

  • even if he remotely felt the same way, it might come across as too forward and turn him off
  • I don’t think he’s that much of a, for lack of a better word, pussy.  If he felt the same way, he would have done something about it by now.
  • not risking losing his friendship
  • I was wrong in making other impulsive moves that seemed right to me at the time (but is it impulsive if I’m debating it with lists?? Eh? Eh?) (And was I really “wrong” to make them, even if the outcomes weren’t favorable? Would I have regretted not making them?)
  • What if I’m completely misreading my emotions, and this is just an infatuation, and I still am not ready for a relationship?  He has been burned as much as I have by relationships, and pulling out if he actually was interested would hurt him as much as me.
  • He hasn’t been in a relationship in 2 years and literally referred to himself as “emotionally unavailable”

Looking at these lists, the not telling him option seems much more logical.  But I tend to only learn things the hard way…  It’s the only way to really learn something, isn’t it?

(Side note:  This post comes across pretty negative, a lot of complaining.  But a part of me is okay with having these intense feelings again.  Love is a beautiful and wonderful thing that makes us human, along with it being beyond painful. I am blessed to have experiences that enrich my life — and peaceful, totally blissful days can only do so much to shape a person).

no sleep and a big F*@# you.

I swear I’m the type of person who tries to see the positive side of things and the good in everybody.  But tonight I just can’t.

My ex-boyfriend kind of destroyed me, ripped me apart, etc. etc. (again, forgive me, melodrama galore).  And he keeps popping up in my life.  I have literally spelled out to him that hearing from him brings me down for days.  That his presence represents nothing but stress and pain for me.  But he keeps going.  Keeps contacting me, trying to be friends, and I am about to lose it.

It is 4am and I am crying.  I’ve been totally single for about 3 months, and I haven’t cried once except when he has decided to reemerge.

This next paragraph is just what I’d like to say to him (but won’t really, because more contact is the last thing I want):

Remember when I said I don’t want to hear from you? And that it actually hurts me to hear from you?  Does that maybe ring a bell? Because if you cared about me at all, even a little, in the 3 and a half years we spent together, you would probably, maybe, respect that and just disappear.  I haven’t known happiness like what I feel now that I’m on my own and stress free in years, and you seem to love to tear that down for me.  Oh, and also, I blame you for my complete inability to trust or be able to form a meaningful emotional relationship with another guy right now.  Yes, it’s my job to overcome that, but you still created the problem, so thanks. And thanks for continually creating more problems now that we’re not even together, not even friends.

Anyway… anybody as cool as me and watch Real Housewives of New Jersey?  If so, maybe this whole “cutting stress out of your life” moment reminds you of Dina and Danielle’s dinner on this week’s episode.