Posts Tagged 'love'

bittersweet

Family means a lot to me.  Duh, it does to a lot of people, but I just want to make sure you know that so you understand why the following situation was so emotional.

I ran into my ex-boyfriend’s grandmother the other day.  I haven’t seen her in almost a year, and she was like my own grandmother to me.  I have only one of my grandparents left, and I grew very close to this woman in the almost 4 years I was with her grandson.  She and her husband were so kind and inviting, and their family is very big and very close and I loved feeling like I was a part of it.  It was honestly one of the best parts of that relationship.

And her kindness extended to this situation, which made me so happy.  She got very serious and said  “I’m very disappointed in him for what happened, very disappointed, and I just wanted you to know that.”  And even better.. “You look so good, such a pretty girl, I’ll have to tell him that…”

Thank you, Mom-Mom.  I try.

The bitter part of this exchange, however, was the reminder of my ex.  And the reminder that I am no longer a part of this wonderful family.  I actually had to work very hard to hold back tears while talking with her, and once she was gone, I have to admit that I did cry.  I cried over my loss, because that’s how it feels.  I had a whole bunch of people added to my “family” who I could care about and who cared about me, and I lost it.

But at least I know now… Mom-Mom was on my team. And that’s something sweet to hold onto.

something missing

I am a baby.  I get very sad very easily, and when I do, it’s like a weird funk I can’t get out of for days or even weeks.  But then again, a lot of my friends are in the same funk.  We are at an awkward age.  No, we’re not in puberty, but we are in a kind of relationship limbo.  Not alone forever (yet), but young and single and kind of hating it.  Not because we necessarily hate being alone (even though everybody does sometimes, I think), but because we aren’t sure how long this being alone thing is going to last.  If I could know, just know for sure, that in, say, 10 years I’d be happy with a husband and at least one child, I could enjoy today.  But I don’t know that, and I’ll never know for sure until it happens.

Oh, fear of the unknown, you are the worst kind of fear, aren’t you?

Ugh, basically the summary of my current situation: I am feeling sad, alone, and unwanted.  This is a totally pathetic and self-indulgent kind of sadness, isn’t?  I could grow up, get over it, and enjoy being single again, but I seem to prefer wallowing in self pity instead.  The effort to dig myself out feels like much too much, and I have no motivation. None.  Zero. Nada.  Zip.  I know I’d hate me if I read this blog, but I beg of anyone who reads this, please just let me indulge in this sad, whimpering, pitiful state of mind just for another day or so.  It’s so comfortable here.

organizing my thoughts

Okay, that extreme happiness and serenity discussed in a previous post? I am dying to get that back.  Men add drama to everything, at least for me.  Those that are “emotionally unavailable” and/or not interested in you are so easy to fall for, while those that want you (and are probably best for you) are so not you’re type.  Maybe my “type” is the problem.  I don’t know the exact words to describe the guys I fall for, but whatever it is, it’s not working out for me.

First of all, the guy I was seeing.. I ended that.  It felt serious very fast, and I didn’t like it.  Second of all, I am falling for someone else. I love loved being single.  First I hated it, then I loved it, now here I am again.  I change my mind far too much.  A relationship is the exact last thing I wanted, but he makes me think otherwise.  Fuck. (please pardon my French, but it is needed here).  I care about him more than anyone else, in a long time.  And I hate it.  My peace of mind is out the window.  My emotions are taking over, and I am too quick to let them consume me.  I don’t know how to block them out.  And I know (like 90% sure) that the feelings aren’t reciprocated, not in that way.  But, then again… I feel that way a lot, and sometimes I’m wrong.  But only sometimes. Dhgjwkdhgajdkga.

Time for lists.  God bless lists:

Telling him how I feel

  • I’m not good at hiding my feelings anyway
  • I prefer honesty (even when it probably isn’t best, though)
  • the 10% possibility that I’m wrong, and he could feel the same way
  • not looking back and regretting not saying anything or wondering what could have happened
  • These are the deepest feelings I’ve had for anyone in a long time, and part of me doesn’t care at all if he doesn’t feel that for  me, I just want him to know.
  • signs that he’s into me (or signs that I’m misreading that actually mean he cares about me as a friend)

NOT telling him how I feel

  • even if he remotely felt the same way, it might come across as too forward and turn him off
  • I don’t think he’s that much of a, for lack of a better word, pussy.  If he felt the same way, he would have done something about it by now.
  • not risking losing his friendship
  • I was wrong in making other impulsive moves that seemed right to me at the time (but is it impulsive if I’m debating it with lists?? Eh? Eh?) (And was I really “wrong” to make them, even if the outcomes weren’t favorable? Would I have regretted not making them?)
  • What if I’m completely misreading my emotions, and this is just an infatuation, and I still am not ready for a relationship?  He has been burned as much as I have by relationships, and pulling out if he actually was interested would hurt him as much as me.
  • He hasn’t been in a relationship in 2 years and literally referred to himself as “emotionally unavailable”

Looking at these lists, the not telling him option seems much more logical.  But I tend to only learn things the hard way…  It’s the only way to really learn something, isn’t it?

(Side note:  This post comes across pretty negative, a lot of complaining.  But a part of me is okay with having these intense feelings again.  Love is a beautiful and wonderful thing that makes us human, along with it being beyond painful. I am blessed to have experiences that enrich my life — and peaceful, totally blissful days can only do so much to shape a person).

being selfish

Right now, it is 3 a.m.  Sleep is apparently not an option.  I’ve spent the past 2 hours thinking and thinking about things I don’t really want to think about.  You know the feeling?  It’s totally the worst.

I am starting to sink back into my old ways for sure.  My mind is filled with thoughts of guys.  One that wants to be with me in a way that I am not ready for.  One that doesn’t want me, but I have feelings for.  Or at least sexual attraction/tension for?  And one that I hate, but had a 3 and a half year relationship with that will likely affect me until the day I die (by the way, I clearly love being melodramatic).

But most thoughts are for this guy who wants to be with me.  He is very much in my mind because he is the one most likely to be affected by these thoughts and the resulting actions.  He is a great person.  Attractive, funny, incredibly sweet.  But he has said (wonderful!) things about/to me that make me pretty sure that he wants something more serious than I can give him right now. Despite this, I have still gone on a couple of dates with him. Like twice a week.  But also told him I wanted to take things slow due to my last (horrible) relationship.  I must be coming across as very erratic (that word has been used to describe me before, by the way.  It unfortunately suits me far too often).

Is it fair to spend time with him like this when I am like 90% sure that a relationship is the very last thing I want right now?  All I really can handle from guys right now is some flirting and hanging out.  You know, exciting sexual tension and maybe hooking up, but no emotional mess and stress.  That sounds kind of selfish, I know.  Love ’em, and leave ’em.  But I missed out on being selfish for 3 and a half years.  I am still young and I was very young then, and I want to enjoy this time where being selfish is kind of allowed and even expected before I have to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness but my own.

And so, based on all of this thought, do I talk to him AGAIN about this? Be even clearer that actually, no, I don’t want to ‘take it slow”, I want to have things STAY at the “hanging out” stage.  And see other people if the opportunity arises.  What is a tactful way to say that? Or do I just break it off completely and stop being in his life when I am clearly only a destructive force for any guy right now?

I think I need to have this conversation with my mom. And my best friend.  But they are not awake right now, so strangers on the internet are the next best thing, right?

decisions, decisions

Life does not seem to take into account what you want.  We all know this, but are still surprised when our plans are thrown out the window by unforeseen circumstances.  For example: relationships.  I swear, every time I am in a place where I am dying to be in a relationship again, there is no one for me.  No one wants to get serious (I mean, it is college) or they’re just not right for me.  And when I really want to be single: “Hi, Mr. Perfect here. Am I a little early? Maybe a little late?”

Why, yes, yes you are.

Right now, I am ca. 6 months out of a 4 year relationship. THUS, I am horrified of a serious relationship right now and feel the need to be single for, um, ever?  But a wonderful guy has decided to emerge who literally is exactly what I’d want and represents everything that would make me happy or be compatible with my life and personality.  But, I’d prefer this happen in about… 5 years.  

So my dilemma is this: do I keep him at a distance to maintain the freedom that I’ve grown so attached to? Or do I put that aside and dive into something serious?  Of course I want to lean toward independence, but my fear is that I’m gonna miss out on a perfect guy. Is it now or never?  And would a relationship with him be ruined by my current unhappiness with too much attachment?  What to do, what to do?

Ew, why does life involve so much decision-making?

falling in love

Okay, it’s official, I am in love.

No, not with a man (or woman).  With my life. With my friends, my family, my pets, my job, music, everything I have that has become even more important since I’ve become single and my life doesn’t revolve around a romantic relationship.

I spend most of my days at work, and my co-workers are gorgeous, lovely people who crack me up.

I spent yesterday out all day with a friend who’s company I love. I have so many wonderful experiences with so many more people. I don’t have to spend all my time with one person.

I have an even better relationship with my parents and my brother now that I’m home for the summer and spend more and more time with them.

And right now, I’m sitting here listening to a beautiful cover by She & Him, with the door open to let the gorgeous summer air in, while my adorable Cocker Spaniel puppy sits at my feet. (A 7 year old dog can still be a puppy, right?)

Lately, every day is beautiful.

And as for falling in love with a gentleman, I don’t see that happening anytime in the near or distant future.  I love my life so much right now, I don’t want to let anyone come in and mess with it. I don’t want to start seriously dating again for about another hundred years.  (Not that any sexy young men should stay away from me; I wouldn’t mind their presence or a quick look at their butts or anything).

living life for ME

This is my challenge. How do I live my life in a way that makes me happy, even if it’s incompatible with what I think will make others happy?

I like being single.  I’m having fun.  The further I get away from the relationship I was in, the more I realize what a source of stress it was for me.  I cried so much in that relationship.  Out of sadness, frustration, anxiety, whatever negative emotion you can think of. I even hurt myself to deal with the incredible stress from the constant fights that came out of our incompatibility.  Life now? It’s fun and generally stress-free!  I still have anxiety issues sometimes, but they’re at about… 1/8 of what they were.

And I always hated the constant physical affection.  Once in a while, it’s sweet and special, but it was always always always.  I like my physical space (stay out of my bubble, please!).  And now that I’m single, I have that space!  And if a guy ever gets too close to me, I have no qualms with saying “okay, back off.” I’m not constantly worrying about hurting his feelings or worrying about what it’ll say about the relationship.

And most importantly, I can be free to act however I want without hurting anyone else.  My actions solely affect me (to an extent, of course) and I love it.  If I want to flirt with so and so, or stay out all night without calling anyone to talk about their day, no one is hurt.  The freedom is exhilarating.

But here is the issue: Part of me wants to be in a relationship solely because I’m afraid of how others will see me if I’m a single girl.  Do they think something is wrong with me? That I can’t get or keep a guy?  I tend so much to worry what people think of me, and it makes me feel bad about myself.  And here’s the best part: No one has ever said anything bad about me or anyone I know for being single.  I basically made this conception up.  Who knows were I got it from, but it sticks with me and comes up from time to time.

Either way, this is NOT a good enough reason to be with someone!  If someone compatible and wonderful enough comes along and sweeps me off my feet, and they’re worth it to me to give up single life, then hooray!  Until then, I have to ignore what other people think (aka what I think they think) and just live my life the way that makes me happiest.

P.S. I doubt that person is coming along toooo soon. I am in college. Males in my life are generally not men, they are guys.  They have this deceivingly masculine, adult, and manly body (very deceiving! and tempting…), but they have the emotional capacity and responsibility of a 5th grader.  I think I’ll let them grow up a little bit before I settle for one.  It’s like leaving cookies in the oven a little longer.  I know I’ll want one of them eventually, but not just yet, they’re a little too soft and might make me sick at this point.