Posts Tagged 'single'

message to the media

Hi, media! Thanks for entertaining me and what not, but I have a little bone to pick with you right now. Just so you know, you don’t have to tell me how to get a man. Also, you don’t have to tell me how to change so a man will want me. And you really don’t have to tell me that I should have minimal sexual experiences so I won’t seem like a slut to any potential boyfriends or even husbands. Because, actually, I don’t want one. If you can believe it, a woman can enjoy life without the security blanket of a man by her side. I actually tend to walk down the street with no one holding my hand, with pride. I don’t really need a relationship to define me as a successful person. I know I am. And (I know, I know, it’s crazy) I’m not even lonely! I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and amazing co-workers. I have my own pursuits in my career, social life, and plans to make a difference in the world. Potential boyfriends would so be in the way of what I want. “Hey, I’m moving to D.C. after my certification. Oh, you want to stay in PA? Good for you, and good for me that I don’t have to consider your plans when making mine.” I know what will make me happy, and I love not having to worry about a guy’s plans getting in the way of that! Maybe once my life is all set up I will consider letting a man in, but for now, I’m quite content on my own. And guess what? I still have sex! And I don’t feel bad about it. Who knew! I enjoy every aspect of my life without worrying about what some nameless, faceless future partner will think.  And because of that, I really get to live the life I want. I am not ashamed of anything I do, and I have a blast. I never had as much fun in that 3 and a half year relationship that I thought would fulfill me as I do now. So, please, if you could focus on some other female stereotype that I actually fit, like a love of shoes, it would be much appreciated!

 

❤ Me

 

being selfish

Right now, it is 3 a.m.  Sleep is apparently not an option.  I’ve spent the past 2 hours thinking and thinking about things I don’t really want to think about.  You know the feeling?  It’s totally the worst.

I am starting to sink back into my old ways for sure.  My mind is filled with thoughts of guys.  One that wants to be with me in a way that I am not ready for.  One that doesn’t want me, but I have feelings for.  Or at least sexual attraction/tension for?  And one that I hate, but had a 3 and a half year relationship with that will likely affect me until the day I die (by the way, I clearly love being melodramatic).

But most thoughts are for this guy who wants to be with me.  He is very much in my mind because he is the one most likely to be affected by these thoughts and the resulting actions.  He is a great person.  Attractive, funny, incredibly sweet.  But he has said (wonderful!) things about/to me that make me pretty sure that he wants something more serious than I can give him right now. Despite this, I have still gone on a couple of dates with him. Like twice a week.  But also told him I wanted to take things slow due to my last (horrible) relationship.  I must be coming across as very erratic (that word has been used to describe me before, by the way.  It unfortunately suits me far too often).

Is it fair to spend time with him like this when I am like 90% sure that a relationship is the very last thing I want right now?  All I really can handle from guys right now is some flirting and hanging out.  You know, exciting sexual tension and maybe hooking up, but no emotional mess and stress.  That sounds kind of selfish, I know.  Love ’em, and leave ’em.  But I missed out on being selfish for 3 and a half years.  I am still young and I was very young then, and I want to enjoy this time where being selfish is kind of allowed and even expected before I have to be responsible for anyone else’s happiness but my own.

And so, based on all of this thought, do I talk to him AGAIN about this? Be even clearer that actually, no, I don’t want to ‘take it slow”, I want to have things STAY at the “hanging out” stage.  And see other people if the opportunity arises.  What is a tactful way to say that? Or do I just break it off completely and stop being in his life when I am clearly only a destructive force for any guy right now?

I think I need to have this conversation with my mom. And my best friend.  But they are not awake right now, so strangers on the internet are the next best thing, right?

decisions, decisions

Life does not seem to take into account what you want.  We all know this, but are still surprised when our plans are thrown out the window by unforeseen circumstances.  For example: relationships.  I swear, every time I am in a place where I am dying to be in a relationship again, there is no one for me.  No one wants to get serious (I mean, it is college) or they’re just not right for me.  And when I really want to be single: “Hi, Mr. Perfect here. Am I a little early? Maybe a little late?”

Why, yes, yes you are.

Right now, I am ca. 6 months out of a 4 year relationship. THUS, I am horrified of a serious relationship right now and feel the need to be single for, um, ever?  But a wonderful guy has decided to emerge who literally is exactly what I’d want and represents everything that would make me happy or be compatible with my life and personality.  But, I’d prefer this happen in about… 5 years.  

So my dilemma is this: do I keep him at a distance to maintain the freedom that I’ve grown so attached to? Or do I put that aside and dive into something serious?  Of course I want to lean toward independence, but my fear is that I’m gonna miss out on a perfect guy. Is it now or never?  And would a relationship with him be ruined by my current unhappiness with too much attachment?  What to do, what to do?

Ew, why does life involve so much decision-making?

falling in love

Okay, it’s official, I am in love.

No, not with a man (or woman).  With my life. With my friends, my family, my pets, my job, music, everything I have that has become even more important since I’ve become single and my life doesn’t revolve around a romantic relationship.

I spend most of my days at work, and my co-workers are gorgeous, lovely people who crack me up.

I spent yesterday out all day with a friend who’s company I love. I have so many wonderful experiences with so many more people. I don’t have to spend all my time with one person.

I have an even better relationship with my parents and my brother now that I’m home for the summer and spend more and more time with them.

And right now, I’m sitting here listening to a beautiful cover by She & Him, with the door open to let the gorgeous summer air in, while my adorable Cocker Spaniel puppy sits at my feet. (A 7 year old dog can still be a puppy, right?)

Lately, every day is beautiful.

And as for falling in love with a gentleman, I don’t see that happening anytime in the near or distant future.  I love my life so much right now, I don’t want to let anyone come in and mess with it. I don’t want to start seriously dating again for about another hundred years.  (Not that any sexy young men should stay away from me; I wouldn’t mind their presence or a quick look at their butts or anything).

living life for ME

This is my challenge. How do I live my life in a way that makes me happy, even if it’s incompatible with what I think will make others happy?

I like being single.  I’m having fun.  The further I get away from the relationship I was in, the more I realize what a source of stress it was for me.  I cried so much in that relationship.  Out of sadness, frustration, anxiety, whatever negative emotion you can think of. I even hurt myself to deal with the incredible stress from the constant fights that came out of our incompatibility.  Life now? It’s fun and generally stress-free!  I still have anxiety issues sometimes, but they’re at about… 1/8 of what they were.

And I always hated the constant physical affection.  Once in a while, it’s sweet and special, but it was always always always.  I like my physical space (stay out of my bubble, please!).  And now that I’m single, I have that space!  And if a guy ever gets too close to me, I have no qualms with saying “okay, back off.” I’m not constantly worrying about hurting his feelings or worrying about what it’ll say about the relationship.

And most importantly, I can be free to act however I want without hurting anyone else.  My actions solely affect me (to an extent, of course) and I love it.  If I want to flirt with so and so, or stay out all night without calling anyone to talk about their day, no one is hurt.  The freedom is exhilarating.

But here is the issue: Part of me wants to be in a relationship solely because I’m afraid of how others will see me if I’m a single girl.  Do they think something is wrong with me? That I can’t get or keep a guy?  I tend so much to worry what people think of me, and it makes me feel bad about myself.  And here’s the best part: No one has ever said anything bad about me or anyone I know for being single.  I basically made this conception up.  Who knows were I got it from, but it sticks with me and comes up from time to time.

Either way, this is NOT a good enough reason to be with someone!  If someone compatible and wonderful enough comes along and sweeps me off my feet, and they’re worth it to me to give up single life, then hooray!  Until then, I have to ignore what other people think (aka what I think they think) and just live my life the way that makes me happiest.

P.S. I doubt that person is coming along toooo soon. I am in college. Males in my life are generally not men, they are guys.  They have this deceivingly masculine, adult, and manly body (very deceiving! and tempting…), but they have the emotional capacity and responsibility of a 5th grader.  I think I’ll let them grow up a little bit before I settle for one.  It’s like leaving cookies in the oven a little longer.  I know I’ll want one of them eventually, but not just yet, they’re a little too soft and might make me sick at this point.

’cause you had a bad day…

(I swear I don’t really like that song ^ …)

Friday: feelin’ good
Saturday: smiling
Sunday: super sunny disposition
Monday: merry
Tuesday: tickled pink
Wednesday: walkin’ on sunshine (and don’t it feel good!)
Today: downright downcast, dejected, and depressed

As you might guess from this rundown of the past week or so, I’ve been doing goooooood and lovin’ the single life. But today, you might also guess, my mood took a wittle dip.  Today just happens to be April 8th.  You know this, but you may not see any significance.  No rational person would.  Butttt, for me, it represents the fact that my life is drastically different from the way it used to be: April 8th would be my 4 year anniversary with my ex-boyfriend had we not broken up in November.  Strange reason to be upset, especially if you’re over the guy, right?  I’d honestly rather sit through Saw I-VI than get back in that relationship, but it still hurts.  Go figure.

I think I’m just lonely.  I hate being alone anymore, but here I am by my little ol’ self (except for the company of my dear Jon Stewart), and it’s not exactly easing the weight on my sad little heart today.

BUT what mighttt ease that weight off is the fact that tomorrow is Friday aka the start of the wonderful and much needed weekend which is always filled with friends.

Also helpful: these adorably optimistic quotes that I’ll finish this entry with.  (Research shows that optimism is the most effective route to happiness, did you know that??)

“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many — not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.” – Charles Dickens

“Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.” – Robert H. Schuller

“A man is happy so long as he chooses to be happy.” – Alexander Solzhenitsyn (kinda kick-ass last name, don’t you think?)

“Optimist: A man who is chased up a tree by a lion but enjoys the scenery anyway.” – Walter Winchell

idealize (v.) :

to regard as perfect or better than in reality.

I have made a startling revelation, a breakthrough if you will!  I can’t believe no one’s ever thought of this before!  Maybe, just maybe… being in a relationship is not ideal, not perfect, not so much better than being single.

Examples from the relationship I desperately clung to for far too long:

  • The hour and a half spent defending a facebook picture of me dancing with a gay male friend.
  • Splitting time at home between him and my family (and feeling guilty about not spending time with whoever I’m not with).
  • Obnoxiously long and boring trips to any outdoor store.
  • The jealous feeling and resulting argument after he mentions a female friend a few too many times.
  • Anxiety about impressing his friends and his family.
  • Feeling guilty when I find another guy attractive.
  • Crying in public.
  • Pretending to care about things I do not care about at all.
  • The fear of being honest with him, and with myself, because it could end the relationship.

These things were not fun.  They made me reach some of my lowest points: in sadness, in anger, in annoyance.  I seem to forget them now that I’m single, and focus on the good things about being in a relationship.  But maybe I should try a little harder to remember them, and realize that being single isn’t so bad after all.  It might, in fact, be the better option for me right now.