Posts Tagged 'starting over'

movin’ on (or trying to?)

Hi, I’m an idiot.

That whole thing about my best friend screwing me over… well, here’s the situation: That guy that I had feelings for? And decided to tell him?  And bang, bang, he shot me down?  Well, we hung out for the first time since I professed my love and what not, and my best friend was there and we (she and I) talked at length about how uncomfortable and upset I was with the situation. And then we all went to a party and they were all over each other.

But things have changed since then.  I’m getting over it, and she and I are still friends because:

  1. A lot of alcohol was involved.
  2. We’ve been friends for years.  Since like 3rd grade, people.
  3. We have another year to live together.
  4. She actually hooked up with him before I liked him, like 2 years ago, so the situation was more complicated than I really gave her credit for.
  5. Most importantly, she apologized.

But I’m not friends with him anymore.  Because that’s kind of a jerk move, right?  We’ve become, I think, pretty good friends over the summer, and then I tell him I have feelings for him, and he ends up all over my best friend and roommate in front of me the next time we hang out.  Not exactly something a friend who is supposed to care about your feelings does, right?  I don’t think so.

THE PROBLEM IS, when I say “I’m not friends with him anymore”, I mean “I don’t want to be friends with him anymore, but he still calls me to hang out and I don’t have to balls to say ‘no, you’re a bad friend and I hate you‘ even though that’s how I feel, and we end up still hanging out, and he therefore believes we are still friends”.  I hate ever coming across as mean, so I end up kind of a doormat (except with my best friend, and people who I know really well/know me really well, who I can trust to handle me being a real person with feelings and stuff).

So do I tell him, the next time he asks to hang out, that he hurt my feelings and I don’t really want to be friends anymore (which sounds so 1st grade.. “you’re not my friend anymore”) or do I just let it go until the end of the summer when I won’t have to see him anymore?  Because I don’t know if I can handle bottling in my feelings for even another 2 months, for I am very sensitive and emotional, as anyone who reads any of this blog can tell.

P.S. On the plus side, the feelings for him have kind of evaporated. I find inconsideration and selfishness (aka being an jerk) to be a turnoff.  The same thing happened with my ex-boyfriend: totally screwed me over, feelings gone instantly. It’s a nice little push to move on.  And ANOTHER plus: a totally awesome weekend with friends from school is coming up.  Reunion! (And, not gonna lie, we’ll be partying our little hinies off for 3 nights straight).  That ought to be a wonderful distraction (and/or a wonderful opportunity for liquid courage to help me tell this “friend” that I don’t think he was a very good friend).

the end

Well, my sort-of boyfriend is now my not-at-all boyfriend.

I decided a casual relationship does not work for me.  At all. I guess, as they said on Grey’s Anatomy this week, “my heart lives in my vagina”.

So, here I am alone.  Again.  Part of me is excited to finally, after 4 years, depend on myself and no one else to make me happy.  The other part of me kind of wants to walk into traffic (wants to, but won’t).

I am at the end of a fun distraction, and now have to deal with the overwhelming emotions I have about being single.  But, hopefully, it is also the end of my dependence on guys. Hopefully, the lack of affection and genuine caring in this relationship (and another incident with a guy that we won’t discuss) will have jaded me enough to keep me away from guys for a while.

I hope that one day I can have the loving and committed relationship I crave.  But I think this is God’s (or fate, or whatever you believe in) way of saying that I have some work to do on myself first.  I think it could be a nightmare, but a necessary one that will bring me to a better place.